he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
