Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
