Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
