I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
