Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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