The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
