Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
