So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
