He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
