So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dignity is for republicans.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
