your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
