Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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