This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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