i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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