Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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