i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
