i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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