My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
