i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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