Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
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Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
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Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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