I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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