You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
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That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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