He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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