So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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