she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
either way he was missing a nipple.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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