apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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