Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
