i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
