I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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