woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we're chasing vodka with high fives
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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