Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
