Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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