I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
