I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
