if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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