if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
