How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
