I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
