This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
