If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
