Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We need to rekindle our bromance
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Randomize
