it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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