I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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