I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
