Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
