Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
