Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
