Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
