I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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