my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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