There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
