Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
