there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You made out with two different species that night
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
