If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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