Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
