it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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