The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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